Mentor tools and Tips

March Mentor Tip (2021)

The Magic Ratio, 5 to 1

During the 1970s Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson conducted a longitudinal study on happy and unhappy marriages. They ultimately found what they called the “magic ratio” based on the number of positive interactions vs. negative interactions. The couples who had a 5:1 positive to negative ratio maintained a happier healthy marriage. Those with a of 1:1 or worse ratio generally had an unhappy relationship and teetered on the edge of divorce.

Okay, so how does this relate to mentorship?

Simply put, this is a relational best practice that goes far beyond the scope of marriage. It is a practice that can encourage and empower anyone. Check out this testimony from a mother who had attended a conference in which the keynote speaker explained the Gottman magic ratio.

“All I could think about was my ‘team’ at home: my family. I had tears in my eyes as she spoke because I realized in a flash that I was at about 1:1 with my oldest [18 year old] son. We had settled into a dynamic that was all about my focusing on what he hadn’t done right instead of what he had done right… I wanted to grab my books and drive home right away… I envisioned starting conversation with genuine praise and something lighthearted, followed [by my constructive encouragement]. He’s about twenty now, and the relationship is better than ever. The positivity ratio turned it around.” (“Flourish” by Dr. Seligman, pg 67)

How does this practically translate to Mentorship?

Now more than ever, our teens need the magic ratio from their mentors! We are coming up on the one year anniversary of our country shutting down due to the pandemic. It has been a roller coaster ride on the adolescent identity. They have faced political tension, racial strife, isolation, and more. This is a time when mentors need to sow the seeds of positive reinforcement that bring about hope.

As a blueprint for creating the magic ratio, go back to the blog and figure out how to translate some of the suggested approaches to mentorship: be interested, demonstrate they matter, show intentional appreciation, find opportunities for agreement, empathize & apologize, make jokes. Then ground your approach in the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22).

My prayers go your way as you bring hope, belief and encouragement,

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February Mentor Tip (2021)

Changing the Narrative
Since the beginning of the pandemic, our world has been hit with one negative punch after the other. These blows have been extremely heavy on our younger generations, but there is good news. Research tells us that we can make a difference. As a 1:5 mentor, you have the ability to listen and discuss the bad experiences. This action actually helps move the needle from negative to positive.

“While a negative experience triggers a stronger immediate emotional reaction than a positive experience, negative emotions actually fade faster than positive ones do in most people. Repeated experiments with people who’ve undergone negative experiences prove this. They come into the lab and describe how they feel about recent events, and later return to recall those same events. By then, their feelings have diminished, but the negative ones fade faster than the positive ones, especially among those who’ve repeatedly discussed the bad experience with others. Since the initial threat is over, they’re prone to recognize the positive recovery has taken place. In short, the more you talk about your problems, the more perspective you can gain to ease your anxieties.” (by John Tierney)

Five Ingredients to Helping a Student Recover and Build a Positive Narrative (by Tim Elmore)

1. Empathize with their experience.
When we begin by acknowledging students’ circumstances, empathizing with their unique hardships, we position them to look ahead. They don’t feel they’re alone or need to play the victim card. You become an understanding advocate, enabling them to pursue their goals.

2. Expect them to rise above it.
Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson’s study showed that student performance reflects the expectations of their adult leaders. When we demonstrate higher expectations, students improve academically. In this way, leaders can positively influence student response to the pandemic.

3. Believe they can thrive afterward.
Expectations alone are incomplete in empowering students to rise above survival mode. I know kids who spiral downward when expectations come across too harsh. We must add the element of belief—demonstrating we not only expect a lot, we believe they can actually pull it off.

4. Encourage an intentional narrative.
Students will emerge from 2020 with a story they tell themselves about who they are: loser, penalized, victim, or a person who can take a disadvantage and transform it into an advantage. We must enable them to find the silver lining in the dark clouds and tell a story of grit.

5. Provide them with a metaphor to frame it.
Finally, most students need a metaphor or image to frame their identity. We think in images, and pictures are worth a thousand words. For example, when winds blow, we can either be a candle that’s extinguished or a brushfire that’s extended. One goes out, one gets bigger.

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:11-13)

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December Mentor Tips (2020)

As mentors, we need to remind our students of their worth! Take a moment to read about a major problem facing our youth and how we can help make a positive change.

The Problem of Anxiety, Stress and Depression:
“Research shows that adolescents depend on their friendships to maintain a sense of self-worth and to manage anxiety and depression.” (Without the social connections provided through school, many of our teens are suffering dearly from anxiety and depression that often goes unseen. Mentors need to be those people who ask, “How are you?”)

“Teenagers said the opportunity to confide in their teachers and school counselors has been essential, particularly because their parents might be more likely to dismiss mental health symptoms as standard adolescent mood swings.” (Thank God for loving teachers and counselors who work as a safety net beneath the tightrope of a pandemic. Mentors need to be a part of the safety net. Not only do teens, and their parents, need this added support, but teens benefit from the diverse support.)

“Teens in Covid Isolation: ‘I Felt Like I Was Suffocating’”, NY Times article (Oct 23, 2020)

Learning from Past Traumatic Experiences:
Developmental psychologist, Emmy Werner, conducted research on childhood resilience in post World War II Europe. Her research revealed four major takeaways for the positive development of these children.

1. Loving Caregivers: Caring adults who offered their support were game changers for adolescent development. Whether it was a teacher, aunt, coach, neighbor, etc., these trusted adults were a source of needed guidance and strength.

2. Calm Leadership: If primary adults in a child’s life remained calm, they felt reassured. In contrast, when the primary adults were constantly upset, the child developed feelings of instability.

3. Higher Calling: Adult leaders who embraced the faith of a “higher calling” were able to better guide kids into a more resilient response after calamity.

4. Limited Amount of Exposure: Children exposed to more hours of calamity fared worse. In the modern era, this means helping students balance their exposure to the negativity of the media.

“The Pandemic Population: 8 strategies to help Gen Z rediscover hope after Coronavirus”, by Tim Elmore (copyright 2020, pg 29-30)

Summary:
Now, more than ever, mentors need to be actively engaged. Whether or not your 1:5 student wishes to engage in deep conversations, it is essential that they are reminded of their value. Having a trusted adult check in and ask how they are doing, can mean the world. Take the time to reach out.

Don’t delay, send a message right now.
Or at least set a reminder to reach out this week!

“the child grew strong in body and wise in spirit. And the grace of God was on him.” (Luke 2:40)

George Ratchford
Spiritual Life Director
(818) 767-8382 ext. 203
georger@villagechristiah.org

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April Mentor Training & Tips

What are mentors to do During COVID-19?

During this unprecedented and difficult times, while facing our own questions and struggles, mentors can have a hugely positive impact on those who look to you. Here are a few ways:

Reach Out

For starters, send a message/call just to let your student know you are thinking about them.
Ask how they are doing?

Then... continue the conversation

Ask if they like or dislike online classes?
What has been the best and most difficult part of being at home?
What shows or movies have been watching?
How can you be praying for them?

GREAT resource article, "Naming Loss and Gratitude with Young People"

Daily Devotion

As a mentor, would you like to receive the same Daily Devotion going to your student during this Safer at Home time? If so, email georger@villagechristian.org and requested to be added to the list. This could be a great way to connect

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Past Tips:

March Mentor Training & Tips

If you’re new to 1:5 Circles of Care, we want to welcome you and thank you for being a mentor to the younger generations. Not only does research show the effectiveness of positive adult influence on adolescent’s development, but it is a God-deposited goodness within us all. Having people who are there for us, believe in us and speak into our lives is irreplaceable. It is an age old relationship of wisdom being passed down to youth. It is Jesus to the disciples, Maya Angelou to Oprah Winfrey, or Dumbledore to Harry Potter.

What is 1:5 Circles of Care? It is a VCS program intended to develop quality mentorship as we educate our students and train our mentors. Once per month, you will receive a notification “Mentor Training & Tips”. This notification serves as a reminder and encouragement to connect with your mentee, as well as, giving you practical tips on how to connect.

Since many of you are new this month, we want to share some of the “basics” to get you started.

• Text Message – set a calendar reminder for once a week or month and send an encouraging note, quote or scripture verse.

• Eating Together – food is a good medium to hang out. Set up a breakfast, lunch or dinner outing. Rotate places to visit. Make it an adventure to explore new locations.

• Play – mentoring is not all about talking, one great way to bond is through play. Play frisbee golf, throw the football, go to the batting cage, bring a deck of cards, etc.

• Do a project or task – invite them along for a quick shopping trip to pick something up. Or have them help with a project you’re working on around the house.

• Go to a movie – look for a fun, upcoming movie and find time to watch it together. Use the car ride, or post-movie ice cream to discuss the major themes of the movie.

• Dessert outing – go out for a quick ice cream or cupcake.

• Write a Letter – go old school and write them a letter. This can give a different medium for discussion that has a natural time break due to postal delivery.

• Hiking adventure – get out into nature and go for a hike.

• Teach them a Life Skill – what might you be able to teach the student? Consider the life skills you might be able to impart: checking the oil, doing laundry, hammering a nail, playing golf, dealing with conflict, grocery shopping, etc.

Make sure to make it regular. Plan out your calendar and set reminders.

Will you meet once a month? Will it be the same activity or mix it up?

If you text them, will it be once a month, week, or day?

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